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�
Cartman with an attitude
Setting: The 4 boys walk to the bus stop
Stan: Wow. Cartman�s funky hair-do will blow everyone away!Cartman: Yeah, like as if.
Kyle: Da*mit Cartman! Stop talking like a sweet valley girl.
Kenny: Hmmp- hmpp!
(4 boys laugh)
Cartman: Shut up Kenny before I buy your piece-of-crap house.
Kenny: Hmmp!
Stan: Ha ha, Cartman. This time you got outsmarted.
Setting: On the bus
Kyle: Hey there�s this new girl in school! Stan: Whoa!
Cartman: (Cartman wolf whistles)
Kyle: I can feel the love in the air. (Sings �This Magic Moment�) This magic moment
When your lips are close to mine
Cartman: Aww, shut up!
Stan: Two little hippies sittin� in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
Kenny: Hmmp!
Kyle: Is that what you think about all day Kenny?
Kenny: Mmp.
Stan: I knew it.
Kyle: First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes Cartman with a baby carriage.
Cartman: (Gets red with anger) I� am� seriously� gonna� kill� you� guys.
Setting: Mr. Garrison�s Class
(Kyle and Stan both grinning at Cartman)
Cartman: Stop grinning you stupid hippies!
Cartman: I hear that Stan and Wendy are going steady!
Stan: Shut up, fatta**!
Cartman: I�m not fat I�m big boned!
Kyle: What ever you say.
Kenny: Hmmp, mhhpp!
Cartman: This is the last time I�m warning you Kenny. Now shut up before I�
Mr. Garrison: Kenny, we don�t say those kinds of things in this class. Now go to the principals office.
Kenny: Hmmp!
Mr. Garrison: Alright Kenny, I�m going to count to ten. If you don�t move, Mr. Hat will take action. Isn�t that right Mr. Hat?
1
2
3
4
10!
Mr. Hat: Times up Kenny. Oh Kenny, oh Kenny, I�ll do horrible things if you don�t move.
Cartman: (whispers) Kenny�s gonna get it.
Mr. Hat: (Pulls out an machine gun) Ok Kenny, you asked for it. (boom) (boom).
(Rats eat Kenny)
Mr. Hat: Who�s next?
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat! How could you! This could ruin my career!
Stan: Ohmigod! They killed Kenny.
Kyle: Zzzzzz�Zzzzz�Zzzzzz�
Cartman: Ha, ha! He�s asleep!
Mr. Garrison: Kyle! Wake up!
Stan: Hey Cartman! The new girls� name is Cindy.
Kyle: Oh sorry Mr. Garrison. Hey! Remember that movie? The one with the Grinchy Poo ?
Stan: Oh yeah. Cindy Lou Poo!
Kyle: I bet she wants to kiss you Cartman!
Setting: Recess
(Cartman walks over to Cindy.)
Cartman: Hello babeeee.
Cindy: Um, hi.
Cartman: It�s not everyday you see a handsome looking guy.
Cindy: Handsome? Where? (looks around)
Cartman: (resists to say �Right here, damm*t!�) Look in front of you.
Cindy: You? Handsome? (bursts out laughing)
Setting: Kyle and Stan-Behind the bushes
Stan: Look at Cartman.Kyle: Getting his a** dissed off.
(Stan and Kyle both laugh)
Setting: Lunch
Chef: Hello there children. What�s the matter with you Cartman?
(Cartman doesn�t answer)
Chef: What is it? Crush problems?
Kyle: Yeah. He�s been dissed by a GIRL.
Cartman: Damm*t! I wouldn�t let a woman kick my a**. If she tried anything, I�d be like �Ay! Get your bi*ch a** back in the kitchen and make me some pie!�
Chef: You want pie? I only have greens beans today.
Stan: No� what should Cartman do?
Chef: Well� first he should lose about 20 pounds then-
Cartman: Ay! I�ve heard enough already.
Setting: Cartman�s house on the couch
Mrs. Cartman: You wants some cheesy poofs?
Cartman: No!
Mrs. Cartman: (GASPS) What have you done to my boy?
Stan: Nothing.
Cartman: I want to lose weight, mom.
Mrs. Cartman: We�re going to the doctors right now!
Cartman: It�s okay mom.
Mrs. Cartman: No! It�s not ok!
Cartman: I�m running away to Alaska!
(Cartman jogs to the door)
Setting: Outside
(Cartman goes one fourth of a mile in 3 hours)
Cartman: At the rate I�m going, I�ll be in Alaska at about 8:00 PM. (Stan and Kyle spy on Cartman)
Kyle: 8:00? Is he crazy? He�ll be in Alaska in the year 3000! Stan: The fata** won�t even get to Denver!
Kyle: Denver is south, not north. Cartman�s going the wrong way! What a dummy.
Stan: He should�ve brought a compass. We have two choices. 1.) We can tell Cartman to get a compass or 2.) We can wait until the fata** passes out.
Kyle: 2!
Stan: 2.
(Stan and Kyle laugh)
Cartman: I must have gone more than 200 miles.
Cartman: This is tiring.
Cartman: Whew.
Cartman: Somebody help me.
(Cartman faints)
(CLUMP)
Setting: Hells Pass Hospital
(Cartman awakens)
Mrs. Cartman: Eric, your friends are here to see you.
Cartman: What? Where am I?
(Mrs. Cartman walks out the door)
Kyle: (Whispers to Stan) Lets play a joke on Cartman.
Stan: (Whispers back) Yeah.
Cartman: I said �Where am I?�
Kyle: You have entered another dimension.
Stan: A place known as the twilight zone.
Kyle: We-de-de-de-we-de-de-de.
Cartman: Kyle? Stan? Is that you?
Stan: Of course it is you stupid fata**!
Cartman: Come here my son� I have trouble hearing you.
Kyle: Shut up you a**hole!
Cartman: I saw white fluffy clouds.
Stan: Wow, maybe this is Cartman�s angel.
Cartman: Heh, heh, heh. Gotcha! I didn�t think you�re that stupid.
Kyle: Cartman, you are such a fata**, that�
(cusses for a while)
Setting: Cartman�s house watching TV.
Mrs. Cartman: Please Eric, have a chocolate pot pie.
Cartman: I told you mom, I�m trying to lose weight.
Mrs. Cartman: Well, whatever for?
Cartman: Well�er-I-um-uh�
Stan: He�s trying to get chicks.
Kyle: He just got dissed by one, and Chef said to lose about 20 pounds.
Cartman: All the girls at school say I�m fat.
Mrs. Cartman: You�re not fat, you�re big boned.
Cartman: That�s what I said. (Imagining he�s at school and people diss him)
Bully: You hunk of lard you fata**!
Bully2: Yeah all you ever do is sit around and eat cheesy poofs.
Cartman: Shut up or I�ll rip your nuts off with my bare hands!
(Back in reality)
Mrs. Cartman: (Smiles) Well, you�re just trying to get a girlfriend aren�t you?
Cartman: Kind of.
Stan: I gotta go home.
Kyle: Me too.
Setting: At the bus stop
Stan: I wonder what Cartman�s mom did to Cartman.
Kenny: Hmmpmmp-mmp!
Kyle: The larda** is always late. I wonder what�s he�s doing.
Kenny: Mmpmpp-mpp-mp!
Stan: Yeah, maybe that�s it Kenny.
(Cartman walks to the bus stop)
Kyle: Wow, Cartman you look like Fonzie in Happy Days.
Stan: You even watch that show?
Kyle: Yeah.
Stan: Oh.
Cartman: My mom got me new clothes, a NEW hairstyle, and new cologne. Sweet!
Kenny: MMp!
Kyle: (Covering his nose with his jacket) So that�s what�s been smelling around here.
Stan: For a minute there I thought you farted, Cartman.
Cartman: Aw, damm*t!
Cartman: Screw you guys, I going home. (Points to his house)
Kyle: You can�t ditch school, Cartman.
(Stan and Kyle throw Cartman in the bus)
Cartman: Ay! Stop that you sonofvabit*h!
Mrs. Crabtree: What did you say?!
Cartman: I said, �I need to improve my pitch.�
Mrs. Crabtree: Yes, you certainly do.
Setting: At school, at lunch
Stan: Hey, Cartman. Why don�t you talk to Cindy. Kyle: (shoves Cartman into Cindy)
Cartman: Hi.
Cindy: Hi, by any chance do you know the larda** who talked to me last week? I think his name is Cartman or something.
Cartman: Er- no.
Cindy: Well tell me if you see him. If you see h im, tell him this, �You hunk of ******* ****, why the heck did you try to **** up to me huh?�
Stan: (calls to Cartman) Hey CARTMAN!
Cindy: You�re Cartman?
Cartman: Well, yeah.
Cindy: Shut up. (runs away)
Kyle: Aww� poor Cartman, getting his a** dissed of by a girl!�again.
Stan: I bet you�re gonna say, �Ay! Shut up or I�ll kick you square in the nuts!�
Cartman: Ay! Shut up or I�ll kick you square in the nuts!
Stan: See, he said that.
Kyle: Heh heh heh heh heh. I just heard there�s a NEW girl in our class.